Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
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you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
Hold on I just need to take of my glasses and put my face in my hands about it first
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.