Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
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If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
Ah yes. The three genders
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
And it’s a gold to my husband for the best dad explanation of Fencing to our 10yr old.
“Fencing is where you have to go and put up a fence, with wood usually..”
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.