Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
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Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
I Can’t Tonight…
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
I thought I was being chased by a werewolf but turns out it was just my cousin Tony from jersey
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me