Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
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Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
British people
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
no
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
I feel attacked.
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
Yesterday our friend couldn’t make it tho the bar so instead of canceling they sent one of their other friends, which none of us have ever met, to replace them. You can do that? We are allowed to send in substitutes???
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
