Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
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Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday