Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@prawn_meat

pennywise the clown taps into the deep rooted fear we all have that the clown who lives in our sewer turns out to be murderous

@girl_a_whirl

Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*

@DothTheDoth

Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.

@yonewt

Woo-hoo wife is gone for the evening so you know what that means
*practices repertoire of silly walks all over the house
*adds two new ones

@noxxhell

If you cut off my head I’ll continue eating for two more days.

@StarWarsProblms

*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*

*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*

*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*

@Mr_Kapowski

My favorite thing about being a parent is lying to my kid

Me: The doctor cuts off our tails when we’re born

8 y/o daughter:

Wife: ZACK!

@sofarrsogud

He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.

@tastefactory

[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen