Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?

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pennywise the clown taps into the deep rooted fear we all have that the clown who lives in our sewer turns out to be murderous


Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*


Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.


Woo-hoo wife is gone for the evening so you know what that means
*practices repertoire of silly walks all over the house
*adds two new ones


If you cut off my head I’ll continue eating for two more days.


*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*

*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*

*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*


My favorite thing about being a parent is lying to my kid

Me: The doctor cuts off our tails when we’re born

8 y/o daughter:

Wife: ZACK!


He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.


[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen