Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
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The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
Nice try, NASA
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game