*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
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Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
socratic questions
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
I don’t want to intimidate you, but I learned all my fighting skills from Hong Kong Phooey.
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan