You Might Also Like
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
I’m pretty like a car crash.
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
[struggling to get out of a hammock] come here and say that