You Might Also Like
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.