@BakedBrotatoes

-Does it have apples in it?

-No.

-What about pine?

-No pine either.

-Perfect, we’ll call it a pineapple.

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@OneBeanBurrito

I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.

@Stellacopter

Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”

@ItsDanSheehan

You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder

@UncleDuke1969

Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!

@dimplesticks

[Hubs to my 6yo]

Hubs: So, your mother says sarcasm doesn’t work with children

6yo: You dont say!

@maxsparber

Obi Wan: Your father was burned so badly that all his limbs just sort of fell off but we have such advanced technology like clones and robotics and such that we saved him.

Luke: What about my mother?

Obi Wan: Died in childbirth, literally nothing could be done.

@MikeZakarian

Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.

@spacewizard_t

Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.

Friend: Who did?

Me: Yep.

@Jason_Horton

Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button

@DaddyJew

Dad: I had a son once

Stranger: what happened to him?

D: he touched the thermostat

Kid: dad, I’m like right here

D: you hear something?