@BakedBrotatoes

-Does it have apples in it?

-No.

-What about pine?

-No pine either.

-Perfect, we’ll call it a pineapple.

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@BitchyJasmine

Listened to some Beethoven last night. And some Lady Gaga today. Now I’m quite confused.

Who’s the deaf one again?

@MyPolishFace

Me: We should go to the gym more often.
Him: I hate it there. It’s like a meat market. And I’m the expired meat.

@finah

reminder that winnie the pooh wore a crop top with no panties and ate his favorite food and loved himself and you can too

@matt___nelson

Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”

All the other countries have rectangles

“TWO TRIANGLES”

Alright ok fine

@ShutUpThatsWho

[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]

[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]

[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]

[Everybody cuts foot loose]

@GorillaNipples1

{on a hike}

8yo:What kind of flower is that?

Me:Its a wildflower.

8yo: what makes it a wildflower?

Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.

@panmidwest

ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing

HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard

ME: hannahannahannahannaha

@AndyAsAdjective

20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!

30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!

40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!

@Parkerlawyer

My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.