7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
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Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet