Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
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I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
Investing in beetcoin
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.