Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“

Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?

When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.

funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one

“Your copier’s not working right. My copies all came out blank.”
“Looks like you ran them through wrong-side-up.”
“So, what, I need to flip them over?”
“Or we could turn the copier upside-down but that seems like a lot of work.”

Him: I’m breaking up with you

Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?

Him: yes

Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay

If I ever move into a mansion, it means I definitely won the lottery, or I’m successfully blackmailing someone.

Merlin: What now?

Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police

Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?

nothing saves money like being antisocial

My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.

This is bullshit.

Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits

One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!

I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.

White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:

“I shan’t even”

Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.

My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.

“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon

I’m going bananas!

*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.

Constantly torn between “Let’s automate it, it will save time!” and “I’ve spent 3 days automating a 30 minutes task”

leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine

Did I age well? Well I bent down to look in a low cupboard earlier and made a noise like an asthmatic Chewbacca who’s just heard some bad news, so I’m going to say no.

How about daylight saves us for once

Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.

Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.

Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?

Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Mom

Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?

Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?

Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?

My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer

nurse: time of death

doctor: 4:19—

[i take one last breath]

doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot

Atheists are Popeless romantics.

Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-

Son: Dad please don’t…

Dad: Lawn gone.

I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.

[watching The Silence of the Lambs]

Me: Hear that?

Her: No

Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs