Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
You Might Also Like
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
I asked my 6 year old if he wanted to try out again for the school play and he said no I think I’ll take a break from Hollywood.
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
For cardio I live beyond my means.
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.