Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
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Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.