Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
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*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
Calling them “tricks” undermines everything I’m trying to do with the yo-yo.
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
I have half a mind to…
Ope. Stupid autocorrect. Please ignore the “to…”
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.