Does it…does it take 3 days
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[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
Needing to stretch is so funny. Your body is like “ughhhh make me longer!”
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
What was the main bloke called in Harry Potter
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.