Does it…does it take 3 days
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there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.