[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
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Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
Ever wonder when birds fly in a V, why is one side is longer?
Because there are more birds on that side