[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
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Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
People are always saying “not today, Satan” but what if we just hear him out
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
[on my deathbed]
“Grandchildren…great-grandchildren. I want to give you the best advice I can offer from a life well-lived. Don’t read the comments.”
*dies*
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020