Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
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Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”