Does my dog’s masseuse think I’m made of money??
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If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
I was going to buy Oasis tickets but I found out if I set my money on fire in the backyard instead, I won’t have to pay for parking
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument