Does my dog’s masseuse think I’m made of money??
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[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
Fact: In the U.K., many Air Traffic Controllers don’t work in airports, but in buildings miles away. Whereas in France, most Air Traffic Controllers don’t work at all.
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
[leans into restaurant] hey do you guys serve chicken
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door open for my bird friend] perfect
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”