Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
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My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
Always…
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
A driver that delivers Indian food is called a curryer.
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
watching old Beatles concerts is so fascinating it’s four guys shaped like suits going plinky plonky lemme love you girlie oh yeah and then it cuts to the audience and there’s a girl having the most intense spiritual experience of her life
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here