“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
You Might Also Like
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
Cheer up.
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
I travel a lot for work and carry around a piece of paper in an envelope with a load of nonsense words written on it in the hope that, if I ever die suddenly, I will become the subject of internet conspiracy theories for years to come
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
#JohnTravolta
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
cop: *vomits*
detective: first axe murder, huh?
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
#winning
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts