Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

next level snooze

My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.

Eventually they’ll break.

Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.

9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.

Well played, sir.

“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm

those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal

My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.

“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows

Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case

Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!

Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.

Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?

Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.

Child: I’ll ask mom.

Me: If you could sleep with —

Wife: Ryan Reynolds!

Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.

Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”

I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll

[in conference room]

Coworker: What time is it?

Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*

What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please

*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*

Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?

Women: 9:45am on Monday at work

Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002

Cannibals don’t drink coffee.

They have a cup of Joe instead.

Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war

We’re having lobsters for dinner .

Update – we have pet lobsters now

Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute

and everybody loses their shit!

I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.

Plants are ALIVE, vegans.

You disgust me.

“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*

Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.

My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.

Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”

Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers

*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*

Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.

I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment

“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.