Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.

I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.

[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car

any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow

Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.

The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.

EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like

Vin Diesel: Is it fast?

Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.

Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?

Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.

ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day

[Restaurant]

“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”

Yes please

“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”

Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds

[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?

I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.

I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.

thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider

[Kid Training Headquarters]

Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS

SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then

“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”

-yelp review

i wonder why they stopped looking

Employee: please stop

Me: I’m just finding the right avocado

Employee: people usually just squeeze it

Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?

I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits

[therapy]

me: I’m really trying to change

therapist: that’s great

me: I want to be become a different person

therapist: how

me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis

therapist: no

Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*

Me: same

YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.

Building contractors don’t want your help, Annie, even when you offer them your Altoids tin full of brads.

You’re likely of an age where, in previous centuries, you would be the village elder, dispensing advice and wisdom.

*reads your timeline*

Or maybe not

As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.

My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.

Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.