Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa

Girl: Cute dog

Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog

Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent

Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.

I think my first day working for Microsoft is going really well.

maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration

Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is

Jesus, take the wheel.

Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.

Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.

I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.

Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this

I love to see “pan-fried” on a menu. I hate food that’s fried in a shoe or a dolphin or something

3 things you never get back :

A word after it’s said

Time after it’s passed

Your pen if I really like it

20s: insufficient funds

30s: insufficient fun

put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control

wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together

I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.

BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula

pirate: shiver me timbers

me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*

[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,

me at a restaurant

waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you

Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie

*takes guests to the grocery store*

[interrupts Pink Floyd]

“Actually, it’s AN education”

honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner

No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.

just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4

old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something

Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?

[Going to Starbucks for the first time]

*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*

[a little later]

‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’