Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Man: I’ll have the steak

Waiter: And, for your side?

M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.

Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.

I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.

[my future self comes back in time]

HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years

ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me

Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.

I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure

In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.

Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.

*2 minutes later*

Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.

There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.

When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…

[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”

*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*

doctor: ok thanks for all your help

me: no problem, have a good one

doctor: love you bye

me:

doctor:

me:

doctor: i’m married

If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter

“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”

*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”

“sir…that’s a parrot”

One time, I swallowed a dictionary whole.

It was thesaurus throat I’ve ever had.

Me: Your wifi isn’t working

Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!

Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder

My wife has the worst taste in men.

My dad is at it again

[at bank]
*slides teller a note*

Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*

[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.

Found the job I’m suited for

Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling

#mondaymirth

Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.

“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing

When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.

Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.

Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-

Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why

Juliet: Well-

Romeo: So you’re asking why I am

Juliet:

Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom

The greatest revenge is a life well lived.

If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.