“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Insecurity guard……….
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Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
i like to flex on them by shrugging
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
don’t let anyone tell you, you can’t do something. show them you can’t.
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm