*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
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Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
I get it laundry no one is doing me either
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
Tonight I will make history!
Turns off incognito mode
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
it really cannot be overstated how important it is to be thirty years younger than the guy you’re fighting
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.