*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
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Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
The Burt Reynolds in me says go for it, but the Wile E. Coyote in me knows how it’ll end.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
Seems a bit forward
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.