Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.

I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders

What the dentist sees

Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way

Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!

The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.

I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.

Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.

Son: can I get lunch money

Dad: I have a boyfriend

I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.

I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.

MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”

ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?

I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.

I won’t rest until a cure for insomnia is found.

me: if you love someone set them free

boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners

me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad

My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.

For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons

Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.

Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”

Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight

Hahaha

I mean…it’s true!

#facts

#tattoo #tattoos #employability #funny #bananabeltbetty

Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.

(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?

Jehovah’s Witnesses tell the worst knock knock jokes.

I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”

Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.

5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?

Me: After lunch time

5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now

Four Worst Feelings Ever:

4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic

Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion