*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
You Might Also Like
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
Imagine being tracked down for a crime you did a million years ago because your silly goose of a great aunt sent in her DNA to 23 and Me.
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
I’m in glove with you.
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”