Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
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This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
I feel so discombobulated when supermarkets switch up the aisles without texting me first.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
I don’t need to wait til fall to tell me my pumpkin is spicy.
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
Taze me once, shame on you; taze me twice, I’ve snuck back into the zoo
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
them: if you could, what three words would you tell your younger self?
me: marry a chiropractor