Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
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Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
Narrator: Along came a spider, and sat down beside her…
Spider: [doing the moonwalk]
Narrator: wtf no
Spider: [breakdancing]
Narrator: omg
Spider: [doing the robot] lol
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
can someone please help me, i’m still at the fyre festival
I talk a lot of shit for someone who is startled by my own toast popping up while I’m watching it, every. single. time.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did