Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
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Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
banker: you’re spending more than you bring in
me: god forbid i’m good at something
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.