Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
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my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
There’s anxiety and then there’s my 4yo counting to 10 really fast because we’re playing hide and seek and oh my gosh I haven’t found a hiding spot yet
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
Ouija boards are like unannounced phone calls for ghosts