Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
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Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
*when the villain in the movie has a PhD*
Viewers without a PhD: Ah, they are just saying he’s a smart villain. Makes sense.
Viewers with a PhD: Ah, grad school and academia drove him to madness. Makes sense.
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
every time i talk it sounds like it’s my first time trying to speak
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
Just got revenge on someone who wronged me 6 Years ago. Never be Relaxed ever. I’m coming
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.