Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
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3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
this is a sign that you need a union
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
I don’t think I will be asked to make a curry again 🤣🤣🤣
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Guy: what do you know about crypto
Me: that’s a DC villain, right?
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
It’s cool, I don’t know why I’m still talking either.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.