Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough

Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.

Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?

you should fight them

– me as a therapist

My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here

Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”

TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm

Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.

The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.

Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.

This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.

RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?

Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.

You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.

*I come home with an empty stroller*

WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?

ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle

WIFE:

ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK

ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later

if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there

How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon

alien: greetings earthlings

me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language

alien: yeet us to yaass queen

me: *pinches nose* ffs

Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.

Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.

Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?

Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.

Attention Walmart Shoppers –

There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12

I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one

News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.

Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.

[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all

THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.

ME:

THERAPIST: ok?

Me: would that make you happy?

After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..

life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder

All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects