Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
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Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.