Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
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Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
Men, it’s really simple. We want everything, but nothing, at the same time or different times, sometimes but not always.
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.