Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!

I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.

Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!

Me: Sounds like a plan.

Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime

Me: what’s the deal with airplane food

Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise

Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.

Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.

One of the best

You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.

Hey pals! I’ve been on a break from making comics but you can read two new ones right here:

Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.

Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.

Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?

We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice

The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.

I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker

Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.

Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise

Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.

Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.

Bonfire is French for “good fire.”

Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.

Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.

Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?

When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.

[at a wake]

Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this

Widow: wow

When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?

For all the people who doubted me:
You were right

A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.

Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.

I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.

Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.