Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Does beer think about me too?

Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.

happy friday

I have a friend who can help get me admitted to clown college. He nose people.

What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?

[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour

So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup

I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.

“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”

[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.

told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately

The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.

… and be generous with the lollipops

– me holding up a bank

If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.

– dead people

I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.

You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.

3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done

Absolutely no one:

3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!

Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer

Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text

A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together

{first day as a dermatologist}

DOCTOR: what brings you in today?

PATIENT: psoriasis.

DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.

Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand

coworker: I might have to get a new doctor, it’s impossible to make appointments with them! they don’t answer their phones or return messages.

me: ask them who their CEO is

I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?

Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free

*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?

Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.

Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets

Me: Hold my goat

I bought wings for my employees today and one of them ate 20 wings and then resigned 20 minutes later. Fair play

Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking

If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.

It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo