Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.

Business is booming.

BRO LMFAO

100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.

Do not drink and drive..

because there are people out there who text and drive…

and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!

A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.

*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*

Where’s the shit you made me at school?

WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18

“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”

WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again

🤣could you imagine

Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.

It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.

the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face

are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*

1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.

oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!

Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?

Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.

Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana

Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam

Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.

told my husband I needed a compliment before bed and he called me “steadfast and chaste” I….

[Waiting at the dentist]

*leans over to stranger*

I’ll clean your teeth for half price.

[at my funeral]

pastor: hey this casket is empty

me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries

Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.

Me: who are you writing about?

Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.

Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.

Daughter: seriously?

Me:

Daughter:

Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )

ME: do u like smart guys

GIRL AT BAR: yes

ME: sorry i wasted your time

Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.

Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:

1. Work

If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.

I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.

It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?

If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.

You know….

Squid Pro Quo

me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?

waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way

kids: YAAAAY!!!

me: thanks, bro