Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
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I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise