Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.

Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.

JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*

[In the car]

4 year-old: What’s this song called?

Me: “Don’t Speak.”

[10 minutes of silence later]

Me: You alright buddy?

4: Yeah you said don’t speak.

Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.

This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like

I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…

A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.

*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people

Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets

God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.

Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!

Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*

[getting arrested after heist]

Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout

Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this

So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.

How to get a woman:

1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep driving

She’s yours now, plus you have a new car.

I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.

Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.

You’ll make me nervous.

Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.

Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.

Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.

*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*

Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.

Me: Gulp.

In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be poor this Christmas

My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting

[ date ]

her: i have a PhD

zombie: *jaw falls off*

Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.

Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”

Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.

If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.

I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.

One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit

You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.