[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
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ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
Ok but actually
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
This is my favorite one of these!
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson