Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*tree falls in the forest*

*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*

I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.

Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder

Oh my god

genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you

I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”

you, an idiot: *eats a snack*

me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*

Breaking news:

*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*

wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???

me: i’m over in the cereal.

wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.

me: *whispers* open the box.

*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost

[He gets lost]

*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number

Everyone else wants to talk about sex, and I just want to talk about cholera.

I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.

There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.

Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.

The news is so predictable nowadays

Daddy! Tell me a story..

The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.

Good night.

Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.

Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel

😂💯

when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man

Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.

Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*

Demon: *possesses me*

Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit

Demon: same time next week?

I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can

Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.

I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.

Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.

It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.

A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.

I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”