*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
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John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
For the ones in the back.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
Glasses
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.