Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆

Not a bad book. Prose and cons.

“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.

Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed

Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?

Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic

HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this

HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this

when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real

My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital

[god creating sharks]

angel: what is this?

god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense

Told my teen who has a science project due in a month to work on it a little bit each day instead of waiting until a few days before it’s due to start it.

Him: Is that what you did when you were a kid?

Me: This isn’t about me.

If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.

“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”

-an obituary

35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle

Me: Footlong

Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?

Me: Cookie

“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”

“You mean the birds & the bees?”

“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”

The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter

Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping

Detective : Where were you on the night in question?

Me: Wut?

Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.

Her: Oh, he’s not playing.

Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.

Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!

Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either

Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.

Welcome to twitter! Your emotional support raccoon will be with you shortly.

We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.

i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it

Authorities claim that a Canadian company is at the centre of an international pyramid scheme. The company hasn’t responded to the accusation, but they did ask two people to respond for them, and each one asked two people to respond for *them*, and so on.

just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know

I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.

The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.

The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.

The only equipped I am is ill.

When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute

pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:

con: loneliness

pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you