Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Spanish film idea. A woman sees her son wrongly imprisoned and immediately sets out to have him released. It’s called Bye Juan, Get Juan Free.

My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”

Coronavirus: LOL.

I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.

I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid

Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie

Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off

I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.

i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye

PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly

Me: No.

My kids: She didn’t say yes so we better ask again.

When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.

computer: choose new password

math teacher: algebra

computer: password must contain numbers

math teacher: algebraXY

I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…

me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles

1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?

Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”

Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself

ㅤ

At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.

I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited

I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo

That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers

Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.

They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.

Tomb = Toom

Womb = Woom

Bomb = Boom

“Parkour” I yell, as I fall during my sobriety test

Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!

[arriving in hell]

devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*

me: *starts eating*

devil: wait, how?

I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet

The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.

Writing, She Murdered.

ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?

THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?

My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”

*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.