Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
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my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.