Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
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I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
A Canadian pilot was hesitant about landing in the crosswind, so Benny from Maintenance has fixed his plane.
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
– Hello, Police.
– I need to speak to an officer please. I’ve been accused of chucking something at someone, but it was only a bit of my dessert!
– Just pudding you threw.
– Thanks.
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur