Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.

*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO

My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.

Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit

Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?

He thought he had job security…

Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?

Every damn time

My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect

Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.

Find yourself some cake.

I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.

My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions

What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.

And off to hell I go.

Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️

Judas is buying everyone shots.

Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him

Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.

Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.

They’re calling it the Apollo G.

Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.

Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.

“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.

Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?

3:

Me: Do a puzzle?

3:

Me: Paint?

3:

Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.

3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]

For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.

When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.

You’re welcome.

why did I just deep clean my entire apartment before the john mulaney and chappell roan saturday night live episode like they’re physically coming over

It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car

There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.

So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.

Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.

[Witches Kitchen]

Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist

Daughter: wow okay that’s gross

Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?

Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist

A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.