Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene

If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.

[from under your bed]

Babe, are you mad at me?

ME: *exists*

KID: that’s not how mommy does it

Friend: Are you on social media?

Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.

If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?

I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie

NOBODY:

GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*

Sister: What can I get your kids this year?

Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?

Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.

Me:

Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…

Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!

pelicons

coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad

My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…

So I took the car key off of his keychain…

He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now

How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer

If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.

One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.

The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.

handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.

clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.

me: same as him.

clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.

I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,

but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.

One time I got so high I couldn’t figure out the pizza ordering app so I ordered a chicken bacon ranch pizza with no chicken no bacon no ranch add tomato sauce add pepperoni add sausage and it was so bad the manager of the place called my personal number

Painting safety tip :

When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.

I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home

interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?

lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots

Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.

You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”

Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.

Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”

I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.

do not take me to an escape room. i was a c-section. someone is gonna have to come get me

bragging about how I’ve “really turned my life around recently” without mentioning in which direction

#parenting