Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.

[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]

“How much for this toaster?”

“An arm & a leg.”

“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”

“A leg & 3 fingers.”

“Deal!”

– Cannibal Pawn Stars

“WHAT DEVILRY HAVE YE WROGHT!” I yell at my kid when I discover what he did to my YouTube algorithm

whenever they do this I can only imagine athletes are telling each other who they have a crush on

The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.

A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.

[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor*

*Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*

*Makes clean getaway*

I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed

my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her

Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.

You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.

( *Runs out of toilet paper* )

[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama

Genie: ok, this is your last wish

Me: Could you speak up a bit?

Genie: YOU IDIOT!

Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.

I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.

[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk

Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?

My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends

Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.

Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.

son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn

If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.

the short answer to this question

“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro

*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*

What do you call a woman that sets her credit card bills on fire?

Bernadette.

Will Smith’s “Bad Boys: Ride or Die” opened to an estimated $56M in theaters over the weekend. Which is great! Anything less than that would’ve been a slap in the face.

Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.

-first day at NASA-

colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1

me: do you guys do this in every elevator