Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.

Apostrophes are important.

“I fed the dog”

“I f’ed the dog”

Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.

My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones

I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.

Don’t tell me to trust my gut. Thats where I put my snacks. Clearly that’s where I’m the weakest

My worst case scenarios:

•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.

Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.

My mother’s maiden name is Password.

Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.

i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway

OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋

Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?

*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*

Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.

15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.

How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!

Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class

Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.

WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!

I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”

i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”

I still have dents in my head from sleeping in hair curlers

*Grilling salmon

TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK

Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.

Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.

ME: I worked at a zoo for a while

THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?

ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories

WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”

HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”

MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit

Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”

Excuse me but would you sign my petition to ban asking people to sign petitions?

I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered

It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”

I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.

sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life