Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
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Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
wiping my hands on my pants before i shaking someone’s hand so they spend the rest of the day wondering what i just touched
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.