Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me

I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm

Wife: *packing a bag*

Me: Where are you going?

W: I’m leaving you for my boss

M: Don’t go—

W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind

M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note

W: I despise you

If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.

We all know that communication is the key.

What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?

All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF

Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.

I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.

Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”

Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?

Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.

That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”

announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!

audience member: you mean eligible?

announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]

Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”

One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.

Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.

And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”

I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.

I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.

I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.

My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.

I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.

men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want

Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?

Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.

Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL

Wife:

Me: OMG! Say something!

When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.

On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”

Kids.

If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.

They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.

I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.

Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.

My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.

I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.

Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?

Me: Uranium is OK I guess.

C:

M:

C:

M:

C: I like Metallica.

That’s not even on the periodic table