*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
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*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
Here’s a picture of the beautiful bonsai that died right after I got it. Ah, too bad but at least I’ve got this great picture of it. Picture, where’s the picture? Fuck!
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
buying dead houseplants to save time
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
When I can’t barge, I careen.
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath