*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
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me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
someone dropped a taco in front of my dog last night and he dove after it like he was a secret service agent tackling a potential threat
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
I’ve had relationships like this
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
When someone trying to leave me
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
B
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”