Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Become ungovernable.

Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot

And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?

My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.

angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight

God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?

angel: we also invented tequila

I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.

I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.

You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them

[Interview]

“Describe yourself in one word.”

Me: Lethargic.

I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.

Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.

*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?

Doctor: you look awful

Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!

Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?

Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.

If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.

Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?

The elephant is my spirit animal.

1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms

My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now

Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free

SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best!

[Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea

[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESS

MURDERER: What?

ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on

if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears

Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.

Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.

This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!

My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.

me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together

veggies in my fridge:

My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.

Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.

I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.