Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?

Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?

Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.

Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?

Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.

H:

Me:

H: I think it’s time to take a break…

Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.

H: …from twitter

In search of a lawyer who handles the most heinous of crimes. My 4yo woke me up at 5:30 this morning by sneezing in my face and then hopped away like a bunny.

Her: why are u breaking up with me

Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen

Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.

Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?

WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.

I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.

If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.

[being murdered]

me: hey are u Scottish

murderer: yes why

me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]

I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”

me: *filling up my car with gas*

guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank

me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car

[Driving]

HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!

ME: Jealous?

Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.

i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard

GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets

ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.

*violence noises

Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.

Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.

internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets

The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.

I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.

Breakup? I’m sorry no.

You’re not finished being in love with me yet.

I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face

Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”

🤣

GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.

US: That used to be a Blockbuster.

KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.

I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.

If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?

I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted

My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.