Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
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imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?