Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*

Customer is always right

The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.

I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.

Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups

Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?

Me: Did u get a haircut

Dad’s brain:

don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it

Dad: No I got ’em all cut

Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school

boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means

me: it must be Wednesday

I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.

Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.

ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke

CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s

ME:

CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here

A late person is never happier than when the person they’re meeting is later than them

My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.

When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.

I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon

Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.

Last Minute Gift Idea:

Chew with your mouth closed.

[Me at doctor’s office]

[thoroughly removes make up]

Me: Ok, weigh me now

“Describe your last relationship.”

Tired: like two ships passing in the night.

Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.

Co-worker: I’m in the doghouse with my wife.

Me: What did you do? Stay out too late with the boys?

CW: No, I sent $60,000 in Apple gift cards to someone in Nigeria who said we owed it for the electric bill.

Me: …Oh

GM✌🏻

Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies

I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.

Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.

I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang

Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.

If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore

[after winning scratch off ticket]

*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*

My first day working as a consultant at Microsoft! All going extremely well apart from tripping over a cable. 99% sure I plugged it back in the right socket.