*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
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Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it