Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares

I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.

My scale: I thought you were on a diet.

I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.

BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”

You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.

– Broadway producers

In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.

[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that

You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?

I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.

Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”

Me: “Literally just name one.”

mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth

If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.

COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob

ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore

You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.

My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.

carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…

HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard

it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw

9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI

Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.

Choose your seat? $10 fee

Check a bag? $30 fee

Want a pilot? $50 fee

“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”

– Corporate ants.

Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to

ok I’ll buy 10 boxes

wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes

[commercial for twitter]

hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry

Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.

Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit

*pulled over by cop*

Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?

*tags cop*

Me: You’re it!

Cop:

Me running away: Renewed!

[first day as a negotiator]

me: ok