Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
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Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
“Your tattoos will look dumb when you’re older” buddy, I look dumb right now. My tattoos have a lot of catching up to do
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.