Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
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If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
they’re doing a new version of hot ones. it’s called “savory ones”. as the interview goes on the guest is forced to eat increasingly sumptuous food items. “oh my this is just delectable” they will say at the end, sweating and crying.
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
Leftovers are for quitters!
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
🤣🤣🤣
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.