Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
You Might Also Like
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
Florida be like…
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
Hello, my name is Pierre.
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
me: i’ve committed adultery. i’ve been doing a lot of adulting.
therapist: no.
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
It’s Monday, but at what cost?
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.