Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
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A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
Wise advice
Me: I’m feeling my age today.
Son: Really? I thought the senses dulled during the late stages of life.
Me: Your sister is my favorite.
If you just start drinking the Dove body wash, people let you skip in line.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
Never forget.
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
I had to bump up my 10am Rice Krispie treat to 9:30. It’s okay. I have a prescription.