Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
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why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
Note to self: always read the final line
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.