Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
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A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
I don’t care for the term drug mule, why can’t it be a drug unicorn.
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
My 6-year-old has recently decided his chicken wings need to be eaten with a fork & knife.
I told him to eat with his hands like usual since he was clearly struggling, and he said, “Mom, I’m older now. Why are you trying to make me eat wild? Like a wolf?”
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
A big FUCK YOU to people driving small cars and pulling deep into parking spaces so I think I have a spot until the last second.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
5pm on a friday: call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i’m not working
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
Eating wings is the opposite of flying