Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
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[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
I love the honesty
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.