Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?

I tell ya, government spending is out of control.

Sometimes, I’m impatient and intolerant.

But other times, I’m sleeping.

If you’re having a bad day I just want you to know I asked the paint guy at the counter for a gallon of “Menstrual Rose” when it was actually “Minstrel Rose” …so ya

Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.

Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.

I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.

“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant

I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.

*loses my composure*

Weigh me now

BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver

when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death

It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.

I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.

a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes

If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’

I am not telling the truth.

“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”

“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”

6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?

Me: You broke my juicer.

6: When I juiced that play dough?

M: yep

Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.

Wife: You put the wrong date on this.

Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.

Wife: You wrote 1992.

If a snake ate a cake

Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭

Me: 😐☹️

Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭

“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.

My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”

My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”

I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality

So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.

Called in, “If we’re living in a simulation, just simulate that I’m in the office today.”

It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.

My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.

Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages

Harry: so a time turner turns back time

Dumbledore: yes

Harry: to, say, stop two murders

Dumbledore:

Harry: hello

Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol