Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
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Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
My dog watching me set my burrito down when I go to answer the door
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
I guess I’ll never be able to walk away from an explosion in a cool way like they do in the movies, this morning my toast popped and I stopped dropped and rolled on my kitchen floor
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom