Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
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If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
accurate
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
ME: *showing my new girlfriend my golf clubs* I’ve been playing for years.
HER: Cool. Did you ever get a hole-in-one?
ME: No, they’re made of metal so they’re pretty strong.
HER: I need to see other people
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.