Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
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I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
I would like you to meet my significant other. Her name is Cheese.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
Aries: Maybe you don’t understand what you’re doing with your life, but you’re not alone. No one else understands what you’re doing with your life, either.
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
My daughter just asked me why can’t she just quit school.
I told her it’s against the law and I could go to jail for it.She looked me in the eye and said….
“I’ll visit you”
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”