Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
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The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.